Tendencies To Exist

This human race is dedicated to superficial appearances and capricious, vain behavior, it may seem. Plants and animals with exotic character blight earth to have destroyed the “native ecology”. Human stupidity anoints this land everywhere. There are so many people with knowledge. We have become totally confused by knowledge and now elevate its reputation to “intelligence”: but not everywhere in the world perhaps. I have what I call “my wave of attention”. Often this is called concentration but for me it is more like a wave of my virtual spectrum of light. Concentration determines only where my attention will be focused. Usually thoughts jump so fast that we are unaware of their leaping. We regard consciousness as continuous. We perceive a real world of matter around us, persisting in linear time, if we follow the axioms and tenets of western knowledge. We pay no heed to how we know. When I am aware, I know that my consciousness, my focus leaps around endlessly if I allow it to. Clock>monitor>radio station>imagination>radio station>weather>coffee>keyboard...over and over from a>b>c>a>d>e>b>c>fm just beyond our knowing. I “know” that my reading is no different. It is not linear. My vision leaps all over the page at frequencies that delude my common sense.

There are times when tired or meditating eyes truly “see” pages turn to alien hieroglyphs, white space form is predominant, and all meaning turns to total amusement and laughter. The ratios and proportions of the forms of writing disappear and all meaning is lost into a beyond. To let this happen if have to release my significance. I am concentrating, but my wave of attention is attenuated from purpose or meaning or ego. Only by deliberately recognizing another aspect of ourselves is it possible to step outside the set of normal reality and so “see” that normal reality is inconsistent. The question is, of course, how do we live when we are an outsider looking in on the ridiculous behavior of humanity? The isolation and loneliness can be quite severe and we may become insecure, threatened and unbalanced. We may be possessed by an urge to escape from a society and patterns of behavior for which we have lost all respect. Typical ambition begins to appear to be futile.

The real heart of our problem is actually within ourselves. We feel that we have stepped out of the “swamp” of greed and violence but the mud of logic cause and effect sticks to us and we may find a limbo of indecisiveness and confusion. We still want to apply “intellect” in the beyond of intellect. Classically these are the dramas of Zen monks. They sense to believe, that they have escaped from the “world” but they take their baggage of intellect with them. The Masters questions are designed to thrash their logic (ego) out of them. Some monks have been known to meditate for a lifetime on a question such as “the wind blows: the trees bend: who is to blame?”.......or maybe: “can ducks fly away?”

Many times I asked kids that I was babysitting, others questions such as - why is the sky blue? After laughing at their honest efforts to tell I would say, ”Simple, if it were black it would be night time!”
“Can pelicans fly?” they just do! “Why is this car parked on the side of the road?”......well, the man lives at the house and he didn’t want to open and close the gate so he left his car here and walked down the drive. Nice try, but if he had parked it in the road we would have smashed into it! Gentle teasing of their intellect for laughter, what shared pleasure!

No matter what words we write, no matter what metaphysics we explore, no matter how much internal seeking, we are either intellectuals or we are of no significance. A broken mirror is a broken mirror. Ego has a hard and unforgiving boundary. So we have to find our way and have compassion for ourselves. We can jump in and out of significance. We can study, be happy and useful in society, enjoy the wealth and plenty and try to share a little with the less fortunate. We turn our wave of attention outwards. We might make a home where our attention is turned inwards after our forays into the world. The danger is that our homes become mere extensions of the world of significances. We fill them with technologies that never let us rest. a > b > a > c > a > d > f > b. Who we invite to our homes and for what reasons might make our salvation.

I am melted from the idea of my cosmic lover’s voice of intelligence and sensuality. Every sound a cosmic kiss, vibrant with living. My love for her has no significance. I sense her mutual delight. Our waves of attention turn to each other’s pleasures. We spread out beyond the boundaries of ego. Ultimately we are harmonic oscillations. In our “room” there are no televisions, no computers, no phones; we have soft candlelight, incense vapor, old tapestry, and gentle music and each other. We fall and fall from significance and logic and time to find each other’s vibrations of being: turn our waves of attention to each other to kiss and lick and suck and touch and talk and all in a place of moment without knowledge. Does she think that electrical technology might radiate waves of interference into our natural waves of being?

One day I jogged my meadow and few swans danced in the river. They seemed to follow me down the way, surfing the tender waves to nearly standing on the sand. My wave of attention took on the wavelength of the swans until I reached an inner state of such awareness that the whole universe was an orgasm of delight. A woman approached: she was deep in thought; head bowed. I yelled good morning and pointed to my swan fantasy. But she could not see. She was trapped in her own significance. In the city pedestrian zone, I let my wave of attention find the wavelengths of resonance without my interference. I surrender to the bright lights and tinsel and great joy fills me in my surrender. Who sees? Who smiles? Sometimes I wonder how the “intelligence” survives menial laboring?

They smash the pot of their own significance and life is vibrant and brilliant? Rhythmic resonant existence has been stolen from us. Many have never been so at delicious peace as when in harmony with physical repetitive labor in the fields and forests. a > a > a > a > a > a > a > a > a.
In red light they are red, in blue light they are blue, and in my light my cosmic lover is love and all pleasure. Perhaps I may find some times while my worldly significance is abandoned. As I walk my meadow, along the river. Meaningless ridiculous internal sounds of my own vibrations with no significance at all.
When western eyes see the rhythmic rocking of the Taliban to recite the Koran, intellect dismisses them with disdain. But do they have a means to become unworldly, where their lives are individually of no significance? I can never condone their primitive violence but if I rock with them, I can understand the incomprehensible in a flash. This dipole of knowledge and blind ignorance is the ultimate war that has been projected from within every one of us. Science increases our individual ego significant in a world of wealth and privilege. Western economies thrive on ego and fear of its loss.

The female beauty and sexuality and intelligence paradoxically must drive many male egos to their primitive state of possession desire and some female egos to jealousy and conspiracy. My lover has to accept the yin yang of existence and delight in her own experience perhaps, sometimes in the circle of time, sometimes in the timeless circle? We oscillate. We dance.

I wanted to share feelings with women at different times. Always with the same predictable result. Absolutely no peace. No respite from significances. This must be this. That must be that. Merciless continuous insecurity of their ego until I might go mad. Even very well educated. Absolutely no awareness or internal intelligence. The first time in my life happens that I have been able to share my crazy dances with one and you, my love.